Contributed by “R” in California (#27)

I really hate guys right now! Seriously, most of them are just after one thing. Even guys who seem really smart, kind, respectable–the guys you think want to do the right thing and show some fucking respect–can be the biggest JERKS you’ve ever met.

These guys try to manipulate you into sleeping with them by getting you drunk, or, taking things back to your/their house to ‘hang out’, or, saying you should just sleep over because you’ve had too much to drink but not to worry because you will just ‘cuddle’. Then they push it with you all night trying to have sex and are surprised when it’s 3am and you say you want to sleep. Then when you don’t want to go over again because, say, you’re leaving the area in 3 days and you don’t want to start something, plus you’re getting the impression they’re not the sweet and reasonable guy you thought they were to begin with, they start letting their true colors out.

Their manipulation techniques are unbelievably fine tuned… I wonder if they read about them in some ‘how to get laid’ book, or just from trial and error. The next night you seem them again, group movie night you’ve already bought tickets for (so unfortunately you have to go). Afterward you all go to a bar, but you drive your own car over there because there’s no fucking way you’re going to this guys house afterward. All night he shows hints of being a possessive bastard, even though you haven’t even had ONE HONEST DATE WITH HIM YET. Then he’s surprised when you say you’re going home: "I thought you were going to drop me off", "Okay, well if you need a ride I can drop you off now, I’m tired and I want to go home (and it’s 1am, it’s not like you’re bailing out early)." Then he gets mad and reveals it’s not really about him going home, it’s about him having another chance to ‘score’ (duh, so can’t he take the hint that you’re not interested???).

Now you start getting into a fight with this guy you hardly know, over something that so clearly is not worthy of a fight (any jury would find him guilty of trying to pressure you into having sex with him, which is obviously wrong). Now, even though you’re not usually the type to get into a fight with people, you are so pissed you’re about to punch this guy. He’s in your face, staring you down, dead serious. He’s employing classic asshole techniques like CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTING YOU AND NOT LETTING YOU GET ONE SENTENCE OUT.

Then he puts you down, telling you you’re a big girl and can make your own decisions (which is annoying either way he could mean it: the way i think he meant it, that I’m old enough to have casual sex without my mommy’s permission, OR, that I’m old enough to decide if I do or don’t want to have sex with him (which, it’s not like this is something which one only gains with maturity, like at any age you need the guys permission to say NO?). Then when you point out he’s being condescending by implying you’re immature (or wtf he was talking about), he denies ever saying it. Then you push the point. Then he tells you you just don’t understand what he’s say (because you’re immature AND A DUMB IDIOT TOO RIGHT??).

Then you try to start from a different angle (even doing him the favor of going back to how you FELT 10 minutes ago, when the reality is now you think he’s such an asshole you wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot poll after how he’s talked to you). You tell him you think he’s an attractive guy, that if you were staying around you’d want to date him, but you’re leaving in three days and don’t want to start a relationship. Now he brings up the fact that you slept over the night before. The whole thing about you not really being thrilled to sleep over, and him having to convince (beg you to) is now lost on him. Because you did it before you are OBLIGATED to now do it again. Limits and boundaries only move one way with these ones. There is no, "hey I was drunk and didn’t want to drive home, that’s why I slept over your place, but it’s not something I want to do again until we get to know each other a little better" thing.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE THIRD DATE RULE?!?!?! Funny I used to feel constrained by that rule, that it was somehow a social norm that was encouraging me to have sex before I was ready, and now, ironically, I seek its refuge. The conversation ends. You hug (ten foot poll traded in for the fact you are SO upset you really need to hug someone). You walk out in tears. Pissed at this guy. Pissed at yourself for even putting yourself in this position. Pissed at yourself for allowing yourself to get sucked into a fight with him. Pissed at men for being SO damn disrespectful. Pissed at yourself for ordering a cosmo (they are too strong, and you’re hung over the next day from just that one)… the moral of the story is DO NOT GO OVER TO SOMEONE’S HOUSE OR INVITE THEM TO YOUR HOUSE UNLESS YOU ARE SURE YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM, otherwise you’re just asking for trouble. .