Contributed by “A” in Missouri (#7)

Okay… so i have been seeing this JERK, k we’re gonna call him CAPTAIN BUTTHOLE. I have been seeing captain butthole for over two years and I stood by him when no one else was there. He was my best friend and my worst enemy. CAPTAIN BUTTHOLE is the type of man to make you feel like you are the most beautiful woman in the room and then he will leave you wanting more, after all, you can’t get enough of feeling perfect. He knows exactly what women want and he knows how to give it to them. I’m not the type of female that gets caught up, but this one had me from hello and kept me chasing him for over two years. The whole time he is telling me that we’ll settle down together eventually, and that neither of us are ready at this point in our lives! Well, eventually didn’t come fast enough for me and I was starting to get irritated and wanted to move on. However, CAPTAIN BUTTHOLE always assured me that it was going to be okay and led me on to believe that he loved me so much. He slept with my best friend, I left him and still feel it was a great move on my part. I got a new boyfriend, then, c.b. calls me up (b/c we were still friends) and he tells me that he doesn’t love me, never did, and apparently never would have. He CLAIMS that he has told me that several times but I just "couldn’t get it through my head!" Please tell me how "Don’t get discouraged, baby, we’ll be together soon enough" means "I don’t think we are going to work out." If this is some new guy lingo, I am moving to Canada, because I’ll be damned if I get caught buying a copy of "CAPTAIN BUTTHOLE LINGO FOR DUMMIES." WARNING ALL WOMEN: HE WILL SWEET TALK YOU UNTIL YOU CAN’T STOP SMILING AND SHOW YOU MOVES THAT WILL MAKE YOUR TOES NUMB, BUT HE WILL NOT MARRY YOU.

p.s. keep him away from your girlfriends!